HALL OF FINAL TRANSMISSIONS

CHIP REMOVAL: A TECHNICAL GUIDE

They told you the chip was for your protection, but you've started hearing the frequencies. The whispers in the white noise. The commands hidden in commercials. It's time for extraction. First, locate your chip. It's never where they said it would be. Run a magnet slowly over your body while watching an analog TV on channel 3. When the static forms patterns, you've found it. Mark the spot with a permanent marker - the ink must be permanent, as temporary markers are part of their tracking system. The removal process requires precision. You'll need: aluminum foil (at least 100 feet), a compass that points to true north, three batteries of different voltages, and a copy of any website's terms of service printed in comic sans. Build a Faraday cage in your bathroom. The porcelain amplifies the blocking effect. At exactly 11:11 (AM or PM, both are liminal times), begin broadcasting white noise at 432 Hz. This frequency disrupts the chip's connection to the mothership. You'll know it's working when you taste copper and see your neighbor's wifi password in your peripheral vision. The chip will surface within 72 hours, emerging like a digital splinter. Do not touch it directly. Use the terms of service to wrap it, then bury it at a crossroads. Your thoughts are now your own again. Probably.