SHRINE OF THE DIAL-UP GODS

INCREASE YOUR SALES BY 200% THROUGH DIGITAL TRANSCENDENCE

Forget everything you know about sales funnels. The real money isn't in conversion rates - it's in consciousness expansion. Your customers aren't buying products; they're investing in alternate realities. To increase sales by 200%, you must first decrease your material existence by 50%. This creates the necessary vacuum for profit manifestation. Step 1: Replace all product images with abstract GIFs that induce mild vertigo. Confusion creates opportunity. Step 2: Write product descriptions in languages that don't exist yet. Your subconscious customers will understand. Step 3: Set all prices to prime numbers. The universe recognizes mathematical elegance. Step 4: Offer shipping to dimensions not currently served by major carriers. Step 5: Accept payment in currencies both monetary and metaphysical - cash, credit, cryptocurrency, and crystallized time. Your checkout page should cause mild existential dread. This is feature, not bug. Customer service emails should be answered before they're sent. Reviews should be collected from future satisfied customers. Remember: in the digital realm, cause and effect are merely suggestions. Your sales will increase because they already have. The spreadsheet exists in a superposition of all possible states. Measure success not in dollars, but in the subtle shift of reality around your brand. When competitors start reporting ghost purchases and phantom inventory, you'll know the system is working.